Little Moments and Second Chances

So many times I find myself running from one place to another, late, scrambling, wondering why I can't manage to get everything done but other people seem to do a thousand times more than me a day (and they didn't just find grapes raisins under the passenger seat). I feel like I'm not the mom I want to be, or should be. Like I should be making the absolute most memerable experience of every minute with C, and I get upset with myself when instead I think, "OMG JUST LISTEN TO ME AND GET IN THE CAR" instead of "hey sweetie, how about I just quit my job, and we head to the beach and make a homemade sea shell garland to use on our impromptu family beach party where dad will clam bake, Martha Stewart will come, and we'll put on a play about saving the ocean." So much running around ... so many lost opportunities to make a memory. 

Just last night, C was so excited to make popcorn for "dessert" (we just went with it), but when she was standing on the stove, hanging onto the microwave vent trying to ask me what numbers to press, I admit, I was upset freaked out. I kinda ruined the "fun dessert making" moment, and felt awful afterwards. To her credit, their were no tears; I guess if I've taught her anything so far, it's that mom will occasionally freak out. We ate the popcorn, and carried on, and all was well that night. But the feeling of ruining her fun time with me, what little quality time we get during the week, stayed with me, as it does whenever something like this happens. There's just something inherantly lasting with seeing the change in her face go from pure excitement to disappointment. A knife in the heart. Ugh ... failure. (I know ... DRRRAAAAMA queen).

I am not perfect, and I have a lot to learn. I have to try to remind myself that life is not clean and pretty and flawless (at least for everyone). Sometimes you hang on a microwave, and sometimes you freak out. I suppose the good news is that life is also full of many opportunities to learn and make things better. Just like that wedding quote ... “We do not remember days, we remember moments (Cesare Pavese)." But it's true. I am practicing not having to book every minute with her in an effort to make every second memorable. I just need to do the best I can, love her as hard as possible, have fun, and relax. I was reminded of this the next morning, when C wanted to help me make coffee. A second chance. And she did. And we were both smiling ... coffee grounds all over the floor and all.